


We're All Just Memories

by arch_cape522



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Talks of immortality, but is it?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:00:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25258846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arch_cape522/pseuds/arch_cape522
Summary: The last conversation that they had years ago ended with half acknowledged truths and no real discussions. Alec knows that Magnus loves him, there are no doubts about that. Magnus is Alec’s one, his one in his lifetime but Alec is not ready to not be Magnus’s one.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 6
Kudos: 44





	We're All Just Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! I'm sort of back on writing and trying to get back on a schedule again. There has been a lot happening in the world and it has taken me away from updating and writing but I will get there eventually. I just want to say that this story was begging for me to write it instead of sleeping so I apologize if there are a bunch of grammatical errors. I hope y'all enjoy reading this as much as I did writing it!

Alec slowly shut the lid to the keepsake box and closed his eyes, thinking about all the memories that he held. Once he heard the little click the top made he sighed picking the box and placing the box and it’s contents back on the shelf, hidden out of sight. He knew that Magnus kept that keepsake box that is full of little mementos from his past relationships and friendships, bringing it with them when they moved to Idris. It doesn’t bother him that Magnus kept the box but he just wasn’t expecting to come across it anytime soon. It’s been years since he came across the box and its contents but the feelings he has now are just as strong as the first time he saw this box and not understanding what it all meant. The only difference now was looking at the contents a second time around he had no feelings of confusion nor jealousy but instead, he had more of an ache, a numbing pressure on his chest realizing that he would one day be in this box. That he eventually would leave Magnus and become nothing but a memory. A memory that Magnus would come back to every few years to relive and then put back on the shelf to be forgotten until next time. 

He stared at the box for a few moments before he turned away to walk out of the room. He knew there would be no point in hiding from Magnus. He knew that Magnus would know that he went through that box and it would be easier just to tell Magnus the truth but he also was not ready for another conversation that would skirt around the issue of insecurity and immortality. The last conversation that they had years ago ended with half acknowledged truths and no real discussions. Alec knows that Magnus loves him, there are no doubts about that. Magnus is Alec’s one, his one in his lifetime but Alec is not ready to not be Magnus’s one. It’s not jealousy but Alec wants to be more than a fleeting love that will eventually be forgotten over the years. He wanted more. He wanted forever but he wasn’t sure if that was what Magnus wanted.

~***~

After a long day of repairing wards and consulting on cases, Magnus finally made his way home. When he opened the door and stepped inside he noticed that it was dark in the loft and the only light that was slightly visible was from the candles lit on the balcony. He stood there for a moment looking at how the sheer curtains were moving like waves from the light breeze outside. He could see a figure standing out there and he knew it was Alec. Alec’s back was turned towards Magnus so he couldn’t see the others face but Magnus could sense that Alec was tense. It also didn’t help that he could see a glass in Alec’s hand, which was most likely filled with whiskey. He knew that that particular drink was Alec’s go-to drink when something was bothering him. Sighing, Magnus took off his coat and made his way to Alec and stood next to the other just staring at the city like beneath them. Idris was a lot like Brooklyn in which the lights lit up the city at night and was never really truly dark. 

“Drinking without me,” Magnus spoke quietly as he stood next to Alec both staring at the sleeping city. 

Alec didn’t say anything and took another sip of his drink as he tried to collect his thoughts, preparing for a conversation that he knew they both have been avoiding since he first saw the box. Everything happened so fast during that time and they never really had a conversation with all that happened with Jace, Magnus giving up his magic, then getting it back to almost dying and losing it again, the botched dinner and then Magnus having to leave to save all the Shadowhunters once again. Even after all that the topic has just been avoided. Breathing deeply and concentrating on the city lights he could feel Magnus looking at him so he took yet another sip of his drink, relishing the burn as he swallowed the now warm liquid. 

“I saw your box,” Alec stated and moved to sit on one of the long lounge chairs leaving behind his now empty glass. He had his legs on either side of the lounge chair leaving space for Magnus in case the other wanted to sit down near him. 

“The box,” Magnus responded after a few minutes not making any signs of moving over to Alec from his spot. He just turned around so now his back was leaning against the brick railing to look at the other. “Is this why you’re drinking?”

“It’s no different than you,” Alec shot back and right away regretting his words once he saw the flicker of hurt run across Magnus’s face.

Magnus put his head down staring at the floor, not ready for another fight nor this conversation. “What made you look through the box,” Magnus asked, trying to hide the sadness in his voice with no avail. 

Alec sighed. “We never really had a conversation about it.” 

Magnus kept silent. He knows Alec was right. The last conversation ended with no resolution and somewhat false promises of living in the now and there is no avoiding this conversation anymore. Taking a deep breath he picked up the courage to move over to where Alec was sitting and sat on the edge of the chair not facing him. “No longer living in the now are we,” Magnus asked, breaking the silence. 

Alec made a sound that was a mix between a chuckle and a sigh. “We need to...I need to talk about that keepsake box and it’s contents and what it means to me when I see it...what I feel about it.” 

“What does it mean to you,” Magnus responded, tensing up. He knew that Alec felt insecure about it but he didn’t know how deep that insecurity went. 

“I’m not jealous,” Alec started “this isn’t about jealousy. You have a past. Everyone does. You happen to have more of one since you’ve been alive for centuries. I know you had romantic relationships...a life before me. I know I am going to end up in that box, whether it be an arrowhead or my ring,” Alec took a breath looking at Magnus but the other was looking away. He could tell Magnus was holding his breath waiting for him to finish. “I’ll be in that box Mangus but I’m not ready or never will be ready to be in that box.” 

“Alexander,” Magnus began to say but stopped. What was he supposed to say when in reality that’s the very truth. Alec was going to leave him no matter how much he didn’t want that to happen. The thought of something of Alec’s being put in that box hurts way more than all the contents in that box combined. Yes, he loved the people in that box in some way or form but for him, Alec was different from those people. “Alexander, they’re just memories. They’re all just memories.” 

“Magnus,” Alec began to say, “I don’t want to be just a memory that you visit every ten or so years.” 

“You won’t be, Alexander,” Magnus quickly responded back, still refusing to look at Alec. 

“But I will be,” Alec said in frustration. He wants Magnus to understand. To understand how he feels but he doesn’t want the other to feel guilty. “I know when I die you will move on. I want you too. I need you too. I don’t want you to be alone but I don’t want you to forget me like you’ve done with the others in that box you keep.”

Magnus finally turned to face the other just to see Alec staring back at him with sadness and heartbreak written on his face. “I’m never going to forget you, Alexander. Why would you say that?”

Alec closed his eyes trying to collect his thoughts as he tried to keep the tears that were threatening to fall at bay because of his inability to draw in his emotions. “That box is a keepsake. To store memories. To look back on when you feel nostalgic about the past. It’s something that is used to forget but also not to forget.”

Sighing Magnus stood up and walked back into the loft to the room where his keepsake box was resting on the shelf. Grabbing it he walked back out to the balcony and sat back down by Alec. He opened the box and started pulling some of the contents out and laying it between them so Alec can look at them. 

Alec watched as Magnus laid out some of the contents in the box. He was confused about why Magnus was doing this but kept quiet about it. The ache in his chest was becoming heavier with each passing moment and he reached out to grab Magnus’s hand to stop him from laying out more of the contents but the other pulled back from his touch. 

“Magnus,” Alec said when Magnus pulled his hand back from him. “You don’t have to do this.”

Magnus shook his head. “I do.” He knew that this needs to be talked about so he continued to place the contents of the box between them. When he finished he took a deep breath before he spoke. He needed Alec to understand something and this should have been done years ago. “These are memories from past relationships but also past friendships. These items represent the people who came in my life and the experiences I’ve experienced because of them, whether it be directly or indirectly, they helped shape who I am. Good and the bad.”

Alec looked over the content more closely since they are laid out before him. His fingers gently sliding over each one stopping at a picture that had the name George on it causing Magnus to grab it out of his hands. 

“I told you about George,” Magnus said looking at the picture. “I loved him. He was mundane. He gave me this two days before he died in the war.” It was a bittersweet memory for Magnus and he was devastated by the man’s loss but it doesn’t leave an ache in his heart when he looks at the picture now. 

“I’m sorry,” Alec said.

Magnus waved it off and picked up the next thing, a vintage hairpin. “This one belonged to Etta, also mundane,” Magnus began to say. “She wanted more. A family. Something she knew I couldn’t provide in the biological sense. She was the only mundane that knew who I was but never really accepted me for it.”

Alec heard Magnus paused and waited for him to continue. He listened to Magnus as he continued to go through the pieces one by one. Each having a different meaning, a different significance of understanding. Some of the ache that Alec was feeling started to dissipate leaving a dull numbness in its place. Each one of these people left Magnus, either because they chose to or because they were taken from him. George was killed, Etta chose to leave, Camille wanted Magnus but didn’t want to be held down. She wanted her freedom and got it in the cruelest way. The box itself as Magnus told him belonged to his mother and it is one of the few things that he had left of hers and it made sense that Magnus would want to store these little things in a box that his mother had. But once again Alec came to the realization that he would be one of these people in this box. It may be years from now, he could live until he was 80 or 90 years old but inevitably he will be placed there and he doesn’t want Magnus to feel that type of heartache anymore. Not wanting to think about it much longer than needed Alec grabbed the last thing on the chair that looked like some kind of ancient coin. 

“Who did this belong to,” Alec spoke softly. 

Magnus didn’t answer at first and it was quiet for a few moments. “It’s from Asmodeus. He took me in when I was lost, hurt, and confused. He showed me how to use my powers, how to harness it. He was the only one who was like me, or who I thought was like me. He was..is my father. I thought he cared about me but I was wrong. He wanted my power to help run Edom and when I refused...well it didn’t go well.”

Alec watched as Magnus began to collect all of the contents he placed on the chair and put them back in the box closing the lid. He expected Magnus to move to put the box away back on the shelf but instead, he watched as Magnus placed the box on the floor next to them. He stared at the box for another minute knowing why Magnus explained the contents to him.

“Alexander,” Magnus said, bringing his arm up and resting his hand on Alec’s face running his thumb along Alec’s cheekbone “do you understand why I’ll never be able to forget you? Why you won’t be just a memory in a box that I’ll take out when I feel...what was the word you used _nostalgic_.”

Alec nodded not able to form words. 

“Darling you are not insignificant,” Magnus continued, “I’m not with you to just pass the time. I want your forever. The time you can give me. You won’t be in that box Alec because you’re here,” Magnus said as he brought Alec’s hand to his chest, placing it over his heart. “You’re here Alexander.”

Alec leaned forward and leaned his forehead against Magnus’s taking in all of what Magnus was saying.

“Alexander,” Magnus said, not moving away from Alec “you need to understand I don’t know what the future holds. What would happen...after...after you leave me but know that even if I did move on you are not something that I will forget. Ever. I know you’re worried that I will love someone more than you and that they will replace you but that is not the case here. Our lives are so intertwined Alexander more than you realize. We fell hard and fast and no one ever made me feel that way. No matter where you go or where I go or who comes next you are it. No one could possibly come close to the love I feel for you.” 

“You can’t know that,” Alec said brokenly as he moved to rest his head on Magnus’s shoulder. “You loved before and you will love again because who wouldn’t want to love you. I just don’t know how to handle that. Knowing that you will be with someone that’s not me. As I said this is not me being jealous. I’m not even sure what this is but…”

“You’re scared,” Magnus said, finishing Alec’s sentence. “You’re scared of leaving me and I’m scared of you leaving me.”

That was it. That is what Alec was feeling besides the insecurity. He was and is scared. Magnus was right. It’s the fear of not knowing the future, the fear of leaving Magnus alone, the fear of being forgotten, and becoming a fleeting memory in a box. But under the surface what Alec feared the most was wanting to have Magnus’s forever and Magnus not wanting it. “I want your forever, Magnus.” 

“You have my forever, Alexander,” Magnus responded confused about what Alec was saying. 

“No Magnus,” Alec said, “I want _your_ forever. I want more than my forever. I want yours too. I know that that is selfish but I want it, Magnus. I know you love me. You say you will love and that no one will equal that but as much as I want you to move on after me I also don’t want you to.”

“Alexander,” Magnus said, not wanting to go in circles. What Alec wants is not a promise he can make. 

“I want to be more than a memory Magnus. I want to give you more than those people in that box gave you. I want _your forever_ ,” Alec repeated emphasizing what he meant and waited for Magnus to pick up on it. The last time he mentioned a slight chance of immortality was when Magnus sacrificed himself and went to Edom to seal the rift and Alec received intel for Jace and Clary that Lilith was moving in. He was ready to give up his life as a Shawdowhunter to rescue Magnus and even stay with him forever as a vampire but fortunately, there was a way to rescue him without doing so. Alec knew if he had to make the choice again or if Clary wasn’t able to come up with that rune he would choose being a vampire rather than leaving Magnus’s side. “I want more than memories Magnus,” Alec repeated slowly, “I want you to have more than memories of me. I want an eternity with you.”

Magnus’s breath caught when he finally understood Alec’s implication of what he said. He moved back causing Alec to move and stared when Alec looked back at him with nothing but honesty and truth in his eyes. He knows that Alec was willing to give up being a Shadowhunter to save him when he went to Edom but this was different. This is Alec choosing him and Magnus didn’t know how to handle that. He never expected Alec to choose him as his number one because no one ever wanted to. Magnus was prepared to have a life without Alec by his side. He was prepared to feel lost to possibly be with someone else. He never thought Alec would actually want to stay with him and be more than a memory. This is Alec before him laying his truth bare. It was never about him moving on after Alec died, it was but wasn’t, it was Alec’s fear that he didn’t want the same. That he didn’t want a forever for both of them.

“Alexander,” Magnus sobbed quietly, trying to form words but nothing was coming out. 

“As I said Magnus,” Alec spoke as he placed his hands around Magnus’s neck to bring the other closer so he could kiss him with everything he had. He could feel and feel Magnus’s struggle and he wanted Magnus to know that this is real and that he wanted this with him because ultimately it was Magnus’s choice. It was Magnus’s forever. Alec broke the kiss and pulled away slightly but still kept his lips near the other’s feeling Magnus breath against his lips. 

“As I said Magnus,” Alec repeated against Magnus’s lips. “I want your forever. I love you and I want to be more than a memory. I just want you if you’ll have me.”

Alec felt Magnus smile against his lips before he closed the distance and kissed him. He didn’t know what the future held and there were a lot of things that were left unanswered but the one thing that Alec knew and felt for certain that Magnus knew was that what they had would be more than just memories placed in a box left to be forgotten. 

**Author's Note:**

> So, I hope y'all enjoyed what I wrote and didn't make you too sad. Expect to see a new chapter of The Ninth Raven coming up in the next couple of weeks. Let me know what y'all think here or find me on the bird app blackroses_0604 (I'm still figuring out how to link sites on here lol). Anyways, until next time!


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